I have always believed in God. Maybe that was a childhood non-negotiable as my parents were Christians, my dad even became a minister for a while when I was a teenager – not the coolest things your dad can do when you are in the midst of battling through the brutality of school!
I turned out alright, I believed (or thought I believed) all the right things and had become a regular know it all and was climbing the ladder of success in the church realm. I was on the leadership team of a church congregation in Leeds and played my guitar at the services (like a humble little rock star…?). I felt I had made it, the ultimate expression of Christianity, on the stage and wowing the crowds. Becoming a christian celebrity in my own right, or trying to anyway.
You see the thing is, I said all the right things and stood up and sat down at the right times, but my life was not really a reflection of what I projected. Dogged by this thing called sin, which was like a noose young my neck, I was sure that I would be found out at any moment and be thrown out to the dogs. The church can be as brutal as the playground and sometimes as childish. There were times I really thought that I was in a primary school playground and some of the things I saw and heard were so un-church like that it makes me shudder to this day.
I still believe in Jesus, he was (and is) a very radical man. However I can’t be bothered with those same old meetings anymore, they don’t make sense to me now and probably never will do again. That doesn’t mean that I was wrong to be there. At the time it was all I knew. A bit like we used to think the earth was flat but once we realised it wasn’t, our whole understanding of the world was changed. Lots of people would probably say I’m not a Christian anymore (and so might I!), it’s their choice to label me in that way and it doesn’t really bother me if they do. Church has become a dirty word, demonised by human misunderstanding and abuse of power.
When I hear about churches raising funds to save the roof, I shudder, what about the people just down the road who can’t afford to heat their home (if they have one), cook a meal, buy clothes for their children etc… That’s what the church should be raising money for, not a ‘poxy’ roof that needs £150K spending on it to keep the rain out. When I saw church meetings become slanging matches between traditionalists and innovators that led to hate mail being sent and people having their whole identity tarnished by gossip and slander, it broke my heart that they missed the point of what the Church really is.
The Church has become a big institution and with big things come big issues. Some ‘churches’ publish how much people have given (or is it tithed?) on the notice board for all to see, as if it’s a competition you need to win. Other ‘churches’ would not allow a person up the front if they were wearing jeans and a t-shirt! As for prayer in the ‘House of God’ if it’s not done right you may well be stoned to death. Isn’t this what Jesus came to challenge, the very thing he came to say was that the
“Kingdom of Heaven is at Hand” Easy to find, easy to touch and easy to grasp…?
Church, for me, clouds that very thing. Yes, some churches do good things and love the poor and set up good projects. Some churches work together and put the agenda of the poor first which is great. However, some church leaders are still a law unto themselves. Power can corrupt, and church leaders are not exempt from that.
About 7 years ago I decided that I needed to leave ‘church’ in the hope that I might find church, although I refuse call it church because it has become a word that carries too much baggage. I have been surprised in some of the revelations I have had about God in all of this and I will try to expand on this in the next few days.
I might be labelled as a “Heretic” but a little bit of heresy can be just what is needed, especially if we are to find new ways to understand God.
On Sunday evening a few friends came over to pray for me and Gill and the current situation we are in. A group of people coming together and supporting their friends when they are in need. It has been incredibly humbling that so many people have sent messages and commented that they are praying for me (even though some of them don’t carry the label of ‘Christian’). This last week or so, that has been what I have been looking for. It’s what I left ‘church’ to find and it was all done by 7.30pm so I could watch a film with my family! Perfect!
