There are many and complex feelings I have so here is a description of two that have become well acquainted in these last few years. (It seems I have written in more poetic language today.)
Fear
Some days are clouded by fear, like a fog that blocks the light out. You try to put the full beam on and it just makes it worse. That’s scary. When the pain won’t subside, when it clings on throughout the day, when it wears down and burdens the soul. It’s easy to be fearful on those days.
It’s not just fear of pain. It’s fear of living up to the story, fear that I can’t deal with what is thrown at me and fear that I could crumble beneath it all. The days that make me despair and question if what I have to offer is worth the flesh and bone I live in.
How much pain can I bear before I crumble an fail?
That’s the question that fear asks and sometimes it’s a difficult question to find an answer for.
Hope.
Maybe it’s a fools hope, but it’s hope nonetheless. Looking at the story of the last 8 years gives hope each day. Many a marker has been placed on this journey and at key times what seemed foolish has proven wise.
My faith has changed, the God I know today is not the God I knew yesterday, and this is so linked to my journey that it would be impossible to separate one from the other. What some would call coincidence, I’m increasingly see as divinity breaking through.
How many coincidences do you need to have to start to believe its something else, something other – maybe even something Godly?
The journey ultimately gives me hope.
Hope can cancel out Fear with ease only if I can summon up the courage to look for it.
