Written at 1.30pm 24/01/2012 (waiting for an outpatients appointment)
It’s a waiting game when you are a ‘non-emergency’ case, this time round the initial visit to the GP to complain of increased pain levels was in the early summer of 2010. After that I waited for a referral to the Pain ‘Specialist’ for a few months. Then I waited for another couple of months for some treatment. 6 months later I missed my appointment and it was rescheduled after another couple of months. After the initial diagnosis of this doctor I had to pressure him into giving me an answer and a few months later I had an MRI scan. A couple of months later a sudden increase in speed due to the ‘discovery’ and now after one out patients appointment and a CT scan, I find myself sitting and waiting.
I have lots of questions, some will probably not be answered, others better be! However I can’t escape the feeling of being on a slow moving treadmill hoping for a sudden burst that will get this over and done with and some acceleration is well overdue.
It’s not just the appointments and visits to the doctor that seem painfully slow, it the fact that everything goes on hold. My work diary is sparse and has been cleared as of next week, who knows I might be in hospital on Monday. That’s the issue, the unknown, the inability to commit, the lack of understanding what is wrong, the waiting. Not just for work but for every aspect of my life. I can’t book anything in, I feel, essentially, crippled.
There is something to gain from the whole process. I’m still looking for the real treasures that this process will unveil. For now it’s developing patience (I hope), I could have just given up in November and quit, let the diagnosis win. I refuse that option wholeheartedly. The only way to face it all is with a smile on my face more often than a tear in my eye. I have been through a tough 8 and a half years, with some really dark times, I have come through them now, yet I know that the road I’m on means there is more darkness on its way. I keep telling myself, “I’ve come through it once, surely I can do it again” however that statement does have the slight suggestion of being a question!
For now, I wait. Wait for my name to be called, so that I can at least find an answer for some of the questions I have…?!
Keep going brave brother. Remember there are so many others around you going through similar and even worse things without God and without hope in the world… Persevere in faith that even this will work for good because you love Him and He knows and is right with you. Wait, peace, shine xx
Thanks Sally Ann, I am all too aware that, in the grand scheme of things, I am incredibly blessed. Without faith in Him, I don’t know where I’d be right now.
Don’t feel very shiny at the moment but, once the fog lifts, I’ll be looking for the treasure in it all.
Love and appreciate you very much!
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